I was 19 and head over heals about a boy who didn’t feel the same way about me. I thought he was “the one”. He was tall, dark and handsome and I had a “crush” on his since the 5th grade. His mother hated me, and he loved his mom. I got dumped, but surprise!
I missed my period. Fuck.
I took six pregnancy test before I would allow myself to believe it. I drove down to the dam and parked my shitty 1995 green Dodge Neon and cried. What was I going to do? I called him, and he didn’t say a word at first. “Meet me at the bank.” That was our meeting place when he would sneak out at night to see me. I picked him up around 1 am, and we drove to an old dirt road at the edge of town, probably where the baby was conceived. We didn’t know what to do. We weren’t supposed to be together. His mom wanted me dead, for reasons I still don’t know to this day. We will call her Evil Bitch.
Fast forward a week, and he calls me; “Come to my house”. “Are you crazy?” I responded, “You’re mother hates me.” “She knows.” Fuck.
Evil Bitch makes me take a pregnancy test in her bathroom and bring it out to her. She looks at me and goes “So is it his?” FUCK YOU. After I sit there and listen to her call me a whore for a few minutes, I leave. He doesn’t come after me.
We don’t talk for weeks. He misses the first ultrasound. My friend posts the pictures to Facebook and Evil Bitch sees them. I guess she decides to accept her grandchild and let’s him call me on July 4th. We can date now, with Evil Bitches consent. She continues to make my life hell. She would tell him to leave me, and he would. Then I’d always take him back. Stupid.
My pregnancy was complicated. Unexplainable bleeding, extreme cramping, hardly any weight gain. Evil Bitch and son go with me to the 20 week ultrasound. I don’t learn the sex of the baby, but instead learn I have dangerously low amniotic fluid around the baby. I end up in the hospital the same night, alone. Everything is fine they say.
The next morning and for the next three days I’m having contractions and I am in labor but being a first time mom, I didn’t know this. I call the doctor and am told to drink water. Finally, the doctor tells me to come in. I go alone. My life changed forever.
I’m laying on a blue exam table. The nurse squirts cold goo on my tiny belly, and squishes the doppler into the goo. Silence… “Hold on, baby might be in a funny position.” She says this like she’s trying to convince herself. More ear splitting silence. “Let me send you down to ultrasound, baby is probably in a position that makes it hard for the doppler to pick up.” She leaves. I know what’s happening, but I’m hanging onto the hope that the doppler is broken.
I am escorted to the ultrasound room, hop up on the white exam table. Warm goo this time. The tech turns the screen from me. More silence. “I’ll get the doctor.” I am escorted to the first room. Doctor comes in. He says “I’m sorry. Did you know this was happening?” I just stare at him. He checks me, I’m dilated. He sends me to the hospital.
I go out to my car, bawling uncontrollably. It’s almost dead, and I’m alone. He answers, “What’s wrong? I can’t understand you…. I’ll be right there.”
I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. That’s what we wanted. He was 12 oz and 10.5 inches long. I didn’t see him right away. He was in another room.
I will never forget his lifeless little body laying in the bassinet that was way too big. He was wearing a knitted hat and warped in a blanket that said “Peace”. I didn’t touch him. Didn’t hold him. Didn’t kiss him. I just cried, and I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.
Noah was born August 21st, 2012 at 7:14 pm.
We had a funeral and burried him at the local cemetery. Two days later, his father left me. For good.
This was the beginning of my depression. The beginning of my harsh shove into reality. The start of my adulthood.