Insomnia

2:17 am

Being a new mother, I’m so tired all day. I go through my every day life routines as a Mom Zombie. A Mombie.

Here I am though, laying here wide awake since Colton went to bed at 9:30pm.

Why? I don’t understand it. I get on average five hours of sleep a day, yet I lay here awake while my three month old sleeps through the night. I would love to pop a few sleep aids, but that’s not realistic.
One, I’m breastfeeding my child.
Two, I’m afraid I’ll sleep through his cries.

Oh the struggle.

Colton, my rainbow

Colton Michael.

I prayed for this baby. I’m not religious by any means, but I was willing to try anything to be pregnant. After the loss of my first born child I was weak. I was lost and there was a giant hole in my heart that I was trying to fill. My fiance, who was my boyfriend at the time, bought me a little pure bred Beagle puppy. He was hoping it would help fill that void that ran my life.

He wasn’t ready to be a father, what 19 year old male is? I on the other hand was already a mother, I was just missing my child. We started trying to conceive when we realized my depression was just getting deeper. I tracked my ovulation, we had sex at the right times. Three months into it and I didn’t think I was going to ever get pregnant. I didn’t understand why all these woman who never wanted children, all these people who abandon their babies could have them so easily.

February 4th, 2013

I pulled out a pregnancy test and went into the bathroom. My period wasn’t supposed to show for another few days but I was too impatient. I did the deed and tossed the test on the sink, expecting it to be negative. I didn’t even look at it, I just went back to cleaning the bedroom. Curiosity got the best of me and I went to take a look. I just held it, staring back at me was a little pink plus sign. “Brian, come here, quick!” He comes rushing in thinking something is wrong from the panic in my voice. I hand him the plastic stick that would change our lives forever.

The look on his face is indescribable. Joy turned to panic back to joy again. We just laughed, I was so happy and at the same time so over ran by fear of losing this pregnancy as well.

My pregnancy was flawless. The OBGYN office watched me closely. I had to travel over an hour every other month to see a specialist to monitor my pregnancy. We found out we were having a boy when I was 14 weeks along. We organized a gender reveal party and had our family gather. Blue balloons flew out of the black box and everyone screamed with joy. My side of the family broke down in tears, we had just lost a baby boy in August and the emotions on my side were high. Toward the end of September my blood pressure was slowly rising. My doctors thought it best to induce my labor the day before my due date. Nobody knew why I lost my previous pregnancy, it was unexplainable, so to avoid anything that would put me in danger it was arranged for me to be induced on October 14th, 2013.

7:00 am: We arrive at the local hospital.

8:00 am: The nurse tries to give me an IV. To say I hate needles and blood is an understatement. I pass out cold from the needle and I’m not even in labor yet.

9:00 am: I’m given some pill to soften my cervix and start pacing the halls.

11:00 am: Labor starts. I went pretty long without an epidural. I received one around 10:00 pm, I couldn’t take it any longer. It was heavenly.

11:00 pm and the nurses are having me do practice pushes. Brian’s family is hoping the baby isnt born until after midnight so he can share a birthday with his uncle John.

At 12:46 am on October 15th, 2013 a beautiful little boy named Colton Michael was delivered by his father. It was the best moment of my life.

He’s three months old now. Pudgy and happy. He’s our world, I wake up to his face and fall asleep ot it. He helped fill the gap that his older brother Noah left when he left me. I breathe for this little boy, every second of my life is dedicated to insure he has a better life than I did. You honestly don’t know love until you have a child.

Losing your first born.

I was 19 and head over heals about a boy who didn’t feel the same way about me. I thought he was “the one”. He was tall, dark and handsome and I had a “crush” on his since the 5th grade. His mother hated me, and he loved his mom. I got dumped, but surprise!

I missed my period. Fuck.

I took six pregnancy test before I would allow myself to believe it. I drove down to the dam and parked my shitty 1995 green Dodge Neon and cried. What was I going to do? I called him, and he didn’t say a word at first. “Meet me at the bank.” That was our meeting place when he would sneak out at night to see me. I picked him up around 1 am, and we drove to an old dirt road at the edge of town, probably where the baby was conceived. We didn’t know what to do. We weren’t supposed to be together. His mom wanted me dead, for reasons I still don’t know to this day. We will call her Evil Bitch.

 

Fast forward a week, and he calls me; “Come to my house”. “Are you crazy?” I responded, “You’re mother hates me.” “She knows.” Fuck.

Evil Bitch makes me take a pregnancy test in her bathroom and bring it out to her. She looks at me and goes “So is it his?” FUCK YOU. After I sit there and listen to her call me a whore for a few minutes, I leave. He doesn’t come after me.

We don’t talk for weeks. He misses the first ultrasound. My friend posts the pictures to Facebook and Evil Bitch sees them. I guess she decides to accept her grandchild and let’s him call me on July 4th. We can date now, with Evil Bitches consent. She continues to make my life hell. She would tell him to leave me, and he would. Then I’d always take him back. Stupid.

My pregnancy was complicated. Unexplainable bleeding, extreme cramping, hardly any weight gain. Evil Bitch and son go with me to the 20 week ultrasound. I don’t learn the sex of the baby, but instead learn I have dangerously low amniotic fluid around the baby. I end up in the hospital the same night, alone. Everything is fine they say.

The next morning and for the next three days I’m having contractions and I am in labor but being a first time mom, I didn’t know this. I call the doctor and am told to drink water. Finally, the doctor tells me to come in. I go alone. My life changed forever.

 

I’m laying on a blue exam table. The nurse squirts cold goo on my tiny belly, and squishes the doppler into the goo. Silence… “Hold on, baby might be in a funny position.” She says this like she’s trying to convince herself. More ear splitting silence. “Let me send you down to ultrasound, baby is probably in a position that makes it hard for the doppler to pick up.” She leaves. I know what’s happening, but I’m hanging onto the hope that the doppler is broken.

I am escorted to the ultrasound room, hop up on the white exam table. Warm goo this time. The tech turns the screen from me. More silence. “I’ll get the doctor.” I am escorted to the first room. Doctor comes in. He says “I’m sorry. Did you know this was happening?” I just stare at him. He checks me, I’m dilated. He sends me to the hospital.

I go out to my car, bawling uncontrollably. It’s almost dead, and I’m alone. He answers, “What’s wrong? I can’t understand you…. I’ll be right there.”

 

I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. That’s what we wanted. He was 12 oz and 10.5 inches long. I didn’t see him right away. He was in another room.

I will never forget his lifeless little body laying in the bassinet that was way too big. He was wearing a knitted hat and warped in a blanket that said “Peace”. I didn’t touch him. Didn’t hold him. Didn’t kiss him. I just cried, and I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.

Noah was born August 21st, 2012 at 7:14 pm.

We had a funeral and burried him at the local cemetery. Two days later, his father left me. For good.

This was the beginning of my depression. The beginning of my harsh shove into reality. The start of my adulthood.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m new to this, all of this.

I’m new here.

I have never blogged before. I’ve created this blog to use as sort of an online diary. If you choose to read about my life, thats cool, but I’m doing this for personal reasons. So here goes nothing…

I am 20 years old. I am a new mother. I am engaged to the love of my life. Im strickly blogging from my shitty HTC phone, because like most young mothers, I’m broke. I am a small town girl. I lost my first baby when I was 6 months pregnant. I was raised by my grandmother. I am the oldest of 5 children. I am new to adulthood. I am confused.